love him or hate him hes funny
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a
bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood.
It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine
it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me,
when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be
doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off
stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."
..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in
the air saying there will be no war with Germany "
"America : 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
w****r"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black,
with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a
greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car:
it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond : "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly
terrible: this is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people
- and that he long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a
racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is
that he's called the Stig!"
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertible was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a
party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball
games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within
two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by
eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh
good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
(Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be
less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars
domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on
the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be
an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter
from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted
'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you
hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi."
"Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only
live in the air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do what ebola
does to you in 10 days!"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a
bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban
prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French
Air Force crashing into a firework factory."
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the
back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600
Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car,
put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of
their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when
God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into
them."
Assessing Hammond 's crash:
Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to
come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond : "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the
office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife
etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being
well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals
duty to be on my plate at supper time"
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality
of stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so
that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of
half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and
it helps."
"you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go
to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
woman!"
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a
sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
equivalent of a President.
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It
has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis"
-----
Subject: A Question to Ponder:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is
injured and will die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could
take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200
applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered:
'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the
lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the
partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think outside of the box.'
HOWEVER..
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,
then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings....!
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a
bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood.
It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine
it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me,
when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be
doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off
stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."
..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in
the air saying there will be no war with Germany "
"America : 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
w****r"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black,
with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a
greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car:
it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond : "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly
terrible: this is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people
- and that he long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a
racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is
that he's called the Stig!"
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertible was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a
party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball
games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within
two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by
eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh
good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
(Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be
less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars
domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on
the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be
an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter
from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted
'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you
hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi."
"Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only
live in the air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do what ebola
does to you in 10 days!"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a
bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban
prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French
Air Force crashing into a firework factory."
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the
back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600
Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car,
put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of
their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when
God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into
them."
Assessing Hammond 's crash:
Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to
come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond : "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the
office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife
etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being
well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals
duty to be on my plate at supper time"
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality
of stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so
that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of
half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and
it helps."
"you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go
to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
woman!"
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a
sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
equivalent of a President.
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It
has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis"
-----
Subject: A Question to Ponder:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is
injured and will die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could
take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200
applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered:
'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the
lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the
partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think outside of the box.'
HOWEVER..
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,
then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings....!
:lol: 
