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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter,
faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get
drunk and go to heaven...
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a fool
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, The buffalo theory
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter,
faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get
drunk and go to heaven...
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a fool
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, The buffalo theory
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
