OP
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Norris!
Guest
those quotes are soooooooooooo good man! thanks! :lol:
OP
OP
Norris!
Guest
oh man drinking in college is great, sculled by 12.00 ocolck! 
S
six spoke clive
Guest
a young fella rings the boss on monday morning "im sick" he says
"how sick" roars the boss who is up to his eyes in work
"well im in bed with me aunt,how sick is that"
:lol: :lol:
"how sick" roars the boss who is up to his eyes in work
"well im in bed with me aunt,how sick is that"
:lol: :lol:
OP
OP
Norris!
Guest
ah jayzus, poor show . . . that thought doesn't help a hang over
that thought doesn't help a hang overMick Spec C
New member
To Kick this off again......
Some of the "best" jokes I've heard in ages:
A horse walks into a pub and the barman says, `why the long face?'
Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.
Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.
The moral of the story?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid
What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs!
What do Gordon the Gopher and thomas the tank engine have in common?
they have the same middle name
What do you get hanging from cherry trees?
sore arms
:hang:
Some of the "best" jokes I've heard in ages:
A horse walks into a pub and the barman says, `why the long face?'
Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.
Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.
The moral of the story?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid
What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs!
What do Gordon the Gopher and thomas the tank engine have in common?
they have the same middle name
What do you get hanging from cherry trees?
sore arms
:hang:
C
CamoMo
Guest
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when
she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone
else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front
door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
over year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when
she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone
else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front
door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
OP
OP
Norris!
Guest
[quote author=Michael Spec C link=topic=2000.msg22467#msg22467 date=1180102137]
Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.
Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.
The moral of the story?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid
[/quote]
hhhyyaaaaaaaawwhhhaaaattt????????????? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?
Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.
Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.
The moral of the story?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid
[/quote]
hhhyyaaaaaaaawwhhhaaaattt????????????? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?
S
six spoke clive
Guest
:hang: :hang: :hang:
michael,norris is right,thats feckin brutal :lol: :lol:
michael,norris is right,thats feckin brutal :lol: :lol:
imported_admin
Petrolheads
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.">
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.">
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
imported_admin
Petrolheads
OP
OP
Norris!
Guest
[quote author=sc00by555 link=topic=2000.msg22610#msg22610 date=1180434364]
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
[/quote]
BRILLIANT!!!!!
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
[/quote]
BRILLIANT!!!!!
For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is 300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a 300,000 mortgage and no bike!"
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is 300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a 300,000 mortgage and no bike!"
OP
OP
Norris!
Guest
yeh thats pure quality!
now for something random
Muscle testing is a tool that is used in kinesiology to tap into the bodies bio-computer
now for something random
Muscle testing is a tool that is used in kinesiology to tap into the bodies bio-computer
OP
OP
Norris!
Guest
simple answer to that Alan
OP
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Norris!
Guest
fu*k ya i remember that!! at least you can brag about your battle scars, pretend you got a purple heart for it!
yeh theres a nice scooby in that miller ad, as usual someone is trying to break into one
yeh theres a nice scooby in that miller ad, as usual someone is trying to break into one
